When I Got Lucky

I cannot believe that four years ago today was homecoming weekend.  What a great weekend that was and I actually had some memories that I still remember, which means for me it was very special (not because I blacked out).  I went to the dance with friends because I had yet to ever have a real date before then and I did not want to start with something as timeless as that.  I had weird criteria that must fit for going on a date, and little did I know I even had stranger criteria to be fulfilled before I'd agree to have a boyfriend. Fortunately, for homecoming, I ended up getting paired off in the end with my dear friend John.  We go way back.  Like, grade school back.  Him and Sam were probably my two best friends in grade school, and Leanne of course (Happy 22nd birthday to her tomorrow!) and I blame my lack of girly mannerisms on them.  Leanne and I were huge tomboys, and Sam and John, well, made me think it was cool to dare people to eat a sandwich containing one "donation" from each person sitting at the lunch table.  Disgusting.  But I couldn't ask for better friends in my adolescence and now.  I am very grateful that I got to spend homecoming weekend senior year with John.

From sharing Sour Warheads to sharing beers.

This weekend was Mack's junior year homecoming and I was disappointed I wasn't home to help her get ready.  Getting ready for any event is usually just as fun as the actual event.  I remember a Jenna Marbles YouTube video that explained for girls, if you give us all day to get ready, we will use every hour of that day.  Anyways, I saw one of my coworkers, Chris, Facebook status today and it made me laugh, 

"Just send your grandma your homecoming picture because she is literally the only one who even remotely cares." 

True!  Except I needed to see how well my sister could get ready without me, so I'm pumped she posted them.  I'm not surprised, she managed fine and she looked fly and beautiful.  She even managed to send me a "just because" card* this week because there was a card she saw where the card-maker must have stolen a photo of us at one of the weddings we attended this summer.  Cuz we definitely did this.

Still can't manage to find where to look or when to smile even with a 3 second self timer.

Best Text I Received Today: 
From Jenna-
"You just need to tell him. #weareneverevergettingtogether"

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A

*It's one of life's crazy mysteries how the littlest things like a note or a cute text can make you feel so good.

I'll Frost Your Rolls

Happy half birthday to me!  No one is here to celebrate with me.  I've forgiven everyone for that because I never celebrate anyone else's half birthdays so I probably shouldn't expect them to celebrate, or even remember, mine.  I called C and grilled him on what the meaning behind this special day was just to scare him because I knew he wouldn't know (I didn't even realize it until my mom texted it to me) and it worked.  Poor kid, I can be pretty awful.  Regardless, I made these in honor of myself being 21.5 years old.

What the hell happened on the bottom right?

Based on the pan structure it looks like I had three already but I promise you I've only eaten two.  So far.  Hopefully Genna will get home soon so I don't give in to the rest of them.  I know they look like the best cinnamon rolls you've ever seen, but they're not.  The middle is doughy and the outside is too crunchy and the icing was a weird temperature when I put it on.  I will still eat them all and enjoy it but I should have just bought one from a real bakery and enjoyed the calories on something much more delicious.  Why am I even discussing this?  I'm not even into cinnamon rolls that much.  I should have just bought Count Chocula.  I was creepily close to stealing a box of it from this kid's apartment last night in Akron.

In other creepy news, social media sites are becoming strangely accurate when it comes to the advertisements they place on your pages.  I'm referring to Facebook.  This morning I read this on the right side of my page.  I know for a fact I've never talked or looked at Uggs online.  So they're now resorting to sexual innuendos based on your significant other?  Talk about invasive.  And brilliant.

Real mature, Facebook.

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Fifty Shades of NO WAY.

I hated this book.  If you can't tell what I did with my blog post title, I attempted to rhyme NO WAY with Grey.  Because Grey is the rest of the title of the book..."Fifty Shades of Grey".  I'm hoping, in a sense you've heard of the trilogy.  You must have heard of it if you surround yourself in any way with pop culture, or if you talk to or work with women who like to read books that stir a lot of publicity.  I won't even judge you if you're a dude and read the book.  Haha, yes I will.
I read the book last spring and thought it was awful.  I didn't even want to read the two following books.  I've described it before as soft literary porn or erotica, but the only thing that's soft in the story is the main girl character.  The fact that Christian was able to be hard for so long and many repetitive times in the story is also hard to believe.  Unless he was taking pills.  She never mentioned that though.  I can't even remember her (main character) name because she wasn't very impressionable to me.  From what I recall, she was just really whiny and liked to be bossed around the Red Room of Pain.
And I'm not trying to be like "Oh I don't like this book because every girl likes it".  I have done that before, I'll admit.  I'm pretty sure I did it with Taylor Swift when she firs started becoming famous.  Who is this blonde bitch from PA who keeps tellin' people she's from Nashville? Oh, her shit is catchy and I totally feel her emotions.  She dances even though she's incredibly lanky.  And she doesn't get caught for doing blow without wearing underwear.  And, fair enough, I would say I'm from Nashville too.

There are plenty of things I like that everyone else likes (flannel, Morgan Freeman, Lord of the Rings, Thanksgiving).  Fifty Shades of Grey is not one of them.  It just seemed so...meh.  Every time the plot started to build up it totally deflated in the form of an orgasm.  Literally. I was reading an article in my father's TIME magazine a few months ago and it highlighted the fact that the popularity of these books surged among the older population.  The only explanation I have for its popularity amongst older women, which by the way is a large majority of the series' readers, is they're too old to know how to access porn on the Internet.

Do celebrities have to sign a contract when they reach a level of famousness that limits them to only naming their children names that are ridiculously unnecessary?  Reese Witherspoon named her kid Tennessee.  That's what we should call the recipe for resentment beginning at birth.

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Writing Papers and Sipping Money Away

Another dreary day.  I haven't seen the sun at all and there has been no rain, as far as I know.  Nothing else I'd rather be doing of course than getting a paper done.  I'm doing the cliche college student thing by taking my laptop and sitting in the corner of a coffee shop utilizing their free wifi (while letting the wireless I pay for in my apartment waste an afternoon away) and typing ferociously as if my computer did something to personally piss me off.  I finished my paper which is the good news, hence why I'm doing my blogging now.  The paper isn't due until Monday which is what sets me apart from many other students I know.  I hate waiting until the day before or the morning before something is due to complete it.  From the time an assignment is given, it hangs over my head and will not go away.  Well, it's more like the week before it's due.  Literally I can't think of anything else except the assignment, which is usually writing a paper, due to my major.  Thank God because I never learned how to study.  That and how to write like a girl.  When I would pass notes with all my girlfriends growing up I felt ashamed of myself.  Why do their letters have such nice flow? And, oh my God, they can do BUBBLE LETTERS?!  *sigh*

Anyways I knew I wasn't going to have much time over the weekend to do the paper because I'm going to Akron tomorrow to see Leah because I haven't seen her in what feels like months upon months.  Hopefully Alex is there too and I can make fun of her for using airborne.  Then I have to babysit on Saturday night again.  It's for a different family than the one I've been sitting for the past few weeks.  This is not the family that warned me of their daughter having night terrors.  Seriously though, I wouldn't even know what to do if presented with that situation.

Starbucks is now infiltrating with young high school girls.  I don't think I even had Starbucks before senior year of high school.  I still hate dishing out 4 bucks for a drink.  I guess I'm selling out for the environment and shit, but whatever.  It tastes good and the quality of their cups are superb.  I almost got coffee thrown in my face working at my coffeehouse over the summer because some man asked me, "Did anyone ever tell you the lids for your cups are shit?"
And I proceeded to tell him no, so maybe he's not drinking out of it correctly.  I wasn't rude, but I sensed some smartness in my voice and ended it with a smirk.  Most bosses wouldn't be down with an employee response like that, but if you knew who mine was, she wouldn't think twice.  I may even have gotten a high five.
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Boys, Work That Rain

Man I've had this laptop for multiple weeks now and I just realized today it doesn't have a drive for cd/dvd's.  In a way I'm grateful I found out through the process of trying to burn a CD and not after renting a DVD that I've been dying to see and could only use my laptop to watch.  That rarely happens but I still feel fortunate.  So yeah, if you're interested in buying a MacBook Air you should know it doesn't have an option for this.  After searching the perimeters of the laptop for a good 40 seconds I proceeded to Google the questions as if I missed an obvious hidden spot.  This wouldn't be beneath me especially if you know how easily I forget and lose things.  Note: there isn't a hidden spot.  I feel as if I should have known this about the Air before I proceeded to purchase it.  I clearly didn't do much research.  I don't think it would have influenced my decision completely but it would have made me consider my choice for a few more days.  I love the portability of the Air but I tend to burn CDs a lot as gifts for people.  It's very cheap to do and people think it's very thoughtful.  Um, actually, no one has ever told me it's thoughtful I'm just assuming they think that.  I hope admitting that I burn CDs doesn't get me arrested.  I suppose I didn't admit what I burn onto those CDs though so I should be good, right?  Let's clear up the situation right now.  When I burn CDs for people I only burn recordings of my voice and preachings on how to live a better life and how fortunate they are to have a friend like me who cares enough about them to give them life directions.

How badly does that make you want to be friends with me now, knowing you could potentially get that as a gift?  I know, crazy.

What a gray ass day though.  It's been raining all day long.  I wish it would just pour.  When I left the apartment for my first class today it was that lame "maid of the mist" type rain that doesn't feel like anything at all and you don't realize you're soaking wet until you sit in your car and your legs feel soggy and your face is all moist.  Then you sit through lecture all wet and squirmy.  I just want it to rain that hard and intense, big drops rain every time it rains.  The kind that you still get wet from like the misty rain, but you actually get to feel the rain.  The romantic rain that when it's pouring you only wish you had someone to kiss.  This is how girls think.  How often does that situation arise for people?  Boys, take advantage of a rainstorm.  The chances of you getting laid from initiating a real kiss in the rain are much higher than getting struck by lightning.

Seriously though...even if you're a virgin you're chances are still probably higher. 

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Consumption Habits and Adios M&M's

I want someone to do a study on whether or not people eat more if they have more options to choose from.  I've lived with Genna during the school year for a few years now and our kitchen/food area feels empty at least 75% of the week.  For that reason, I end up binging on graham crackers or peanut butter or whatever baked good we have from the weekend before.  We're both under the impression that if we stocked up on a ton of food we would eat all of it.  Irrational amounts.  Extremely quickly.  No sense of when to stop.  That sounds very unhealthy and unfortunately pretty realistic.  BUT I went grocery shopping today, and in fact my mother would be very proud of me.  Well, she is very proud of me because I texted her to boast and she told me so.  I did all my fruit shopping at Whole Foods to ensure some deliciousness and fresh qualities, then proceeded to do my basic food necessity shopping at Aldi's, to ensure I still have money at the end of the week.  This included bread, peanut butter, yogurt, graham crackers, corn flakes, frozen soft pretzels (like I said, necessities).  Please tell me why anyone would choose to purchase mustard from Whole Foods when you can get some very similar tasting shit from Aldi's for a third of the price.  Convenience and laziness when it comes to having to make two stops for groceries?  Yes, absolutely correct that is why, for I am guilty of that so many times.

So I ended up with a lot of food after grocery shopping today, and for the latter two meals of my day I had so much available I couldn't even decide what to eat so I just dipped random foods in hummus and called it a day.  I'll probably finish off with a bowl of cereal.  I hope when I have a family someday I don't treat them like I treat myself.

My dad tells me if I continue vegetarianism and I don't learn to cook meat properly I'll never get a husband.  I told him that's silly and my husband would love me because it's been proven vegetarians taste better.  I think that comment went right past him because he's programmed himself not to evaluate anything I say that may have any sexual or inappropriate reference involved.

"Best Text I Received Today" award that I just made up and already want to rename goes to my mom @ 5:36pm:  "The warehouse is out of peanut butter m&m's my life is over"
And she wonders why I dramatise little things in life.
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Weekend Updates (Am I Even Allowed to Use that Title?)

Rock Erie updates:  The Romantic Era beat out my brother's band, Strangers and Liars for best rock band which I think Tom was quite pleased about.  He is very adamant about proclaiming that Rock Erie is not in any way his scene, and if you knew my brother you would understand that.  God only knows what his thank you speech would have been had he took home the award.
"Thank you for acknowledging the skill of my band but I hate everything you stand for that will destroy this nice plaque you gave us."
 I'd like to hope I'm exaggerating and he'd be really nice and fake a genuine face (is that even possible? I realize that's a complete oxymoron) but they had free Rolling Rock at the pre-party so...

BUT in all honesty I'm proud of both the bands I associate myself with.  Which I don't even know what that means because I do not consider myself a groupie in any way?  I remember taking my friends to one of Connor's shows last year which were close to my school and since it was further from his band's home base they didn't have many fans coming for only their band particularly.  So, when the ticket dude at the door proclaimed to my friends and I that "Oh!  You must be The Romantic Era groupies, right?!"  I had to kindly yet sternly explain that I was strictly only sleeping with the singer and really had no other relation to the band in any other way, shape or form and therefore should definitely not be considered a groupie.
He didn't respond and just gave us our wristbands.

To sum it up:
The Romantic Era did deserve the 2 awards they won.  They are dedicated and put in so much time behind the scenes to do what they do.  Unfortunately, I'm so guilty at complaining (Echo, please admit I'm not the only one) that it's too much time, sometimes, when it comes to my selfish girlfriend side or I'm just hormonal and taking it out on C, but if you knew them it's plain to see it's their passion and I admire all of them for following it.

I drove back to school this morning, and am exhausted and have a cold.  I'd love nothing more than to crawl into bed but I must fulfill my duties at the library until 10pm.  Books need love too.
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You Do Music? Stand Next to Me

I've had to come home a lot so far this semester, sometimes by choice and sometimes for obligatory girlfriend reasons.  Ok fine, only this time for obligatory girlfriend reasons but I enjoy it.  Today are the Rock Erie music awards, the way smaller city version of the Grammy's.  Like way smaller but it's still a good time and they get a trophy so it's worth it.  I went last year and it was fun and this year is hopefully better because I know what to expect.  For starters I'm old enough to actually be in the bar where the pre-party is, so that's a plus.  Connor's band, The Romantic Era is up for a few awards and my brother's band, Strangers and Liars is up for one.  Ironically, they're up for the same award.  Best rock band, I think.  Let's just say I'm rooting for the third nominee to avoid confrontation.  We all know Tom and Connor would rumble to the death had one beat the other.  And I know you're thinking, "Oh that's weird Ali has a sibling who does music and a boyfriend who does music she's probably musically talented too!"  Please continue thinking that, but to be honest I just surround myself with musicians to make up for the talent I lack.  Crazy, right?

I sing beautifully in cars though.  It's insane, put me in a car and it's like, "Dude, is Michelle Branch in here cuz that sound is bangin'".  I recently realized that's why driving in the dark is so much better than driving in the day.  People can't even see if you're doing hand motions along with the singing.  Last night I made this awesome playlist for a longer drive I had and it contained new songs I wanted to hear and a few songs I like to sing to.  I ended up skipping over every new song after 20 seconds and just playing ones I could blast and scream the lyrics too.  (If only Jenna was with me, we do a great rendition of "My Heart Will Go On")
Then my iPod fell between the seat and I had to reevaluate the point of my entire trip.

Also back to Rock Erie- I like a couple of the other girlfriends of the band members so I won't mind when all the musicians have to go do musician things. There's other people I actually like who I can talk to and mingle with.  I don't mind standing around alone but I've been told I look pretentious when I do such a thing.  BUT MAYBE I AM PRETENTIOUS HUH!?  I'm really not.  

Wish me luck for my event tonight.
I don't have to do anything.
Which is the best kind of event (Your only worry is what you're going to wear).

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Rebel Alert at the Library

I'm going to get fired.  As if you don't hear me complain about my library job enough via social media, I'm here to tell you why I will be fired.  One of my life draining duties is entitled, "shelf reading".  It is exactly what it sounds like.  I'm sent to a designated few rows in the library for an entire hour and am supposed to read call numbers to make sure the books are in order, while straightening any shelves that appear disheveled.  I took this quite seriously as a freshman and slowly became a little more distracted as the semesters went by.  Granted, I do understand why we need to make sure books are in order.  What if people need one?  BUT there must be a more productive way than reading each call number.  I throw a party in my aisle every fifth book I find misplaced.  Haven't received an invite?  Probably because I NEVER FIND BOOKS OUT OF PLACE.  I need to look harder.

  We're allowed to have our headphones in so by sophomore year I was becoming a little more focused on the playlists I had going than the books in front of me.  Junior year I would have my phone and text here and there because I'm not cool or normal and don't have a smart phone that does both*.

 Senior year:

Coffee,  & provisions in the form of granola and chocolate chip cake.

I do owe the food today to a little mouse named Genna who dropped it off for me.  I usually bring something of my own but I made a big mistake in the form of not wearing something with pockets.
The good news, even if I blow with apathy at shelf reading I'm one of the fastest book shelvers they got, man.  I think my position may be safe.  Plus I'm a great library greeter.

My second "job" tonight is babysitting.  If you're not a babysitter and don't have your own kids to babysit (IT'S NOT CALLED BABYSITTING IF THEY'RE YOUR OWN KIDS, DAD), you should do it.  Sometimes it's challenging when you have a disagreement with the children, or repetitive when a kid wants to watch Hop 6 times in an evening, but for the most part it's a great gig.  Lately I've been going to babysit and the kids are already in bed when I get there so I just have to pay attention to those creepy new age video cameras where I can watch them sleep.  Talk about unnerving, and a freakishly perfect setup for a scene from Paranormal Activity.

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*Christmas gift ideas.  Only 3 months away guys.

Anna K, Cute Ninjas, and Syphilis

One of my earlier blogs was about my admiration for Kelly Ripa.  I have replaced my admiration for her with someone closer in age and humor: Anna Kendrick.  I love her.  For some reasons unknown (Killersiloveyouforever) I forgot about her and didn't remember how much I love her until I saw her again.  Kinda like what happens to Connor when I go back to school.  Kidding.

Moving on.  She's in that new movie coming out, I think this weekend, End of Watch with Jake Gyllenhaal.  It looks pretty awesome for a cop movie which generally seem like they're all the same.  Then again, I legit don't know shit about movies.  The only movies I rotated between watching for like 5 years straight was Grease and The Three Ninjas.  Those boys were so cute though, how could I not pick that when it was my turn to pick the movie rental for the family every three weeks.  First Will, then Tom, then me.  Mackenzie didn't get one because she was way too young and obviously an accident  (THIS IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE).  I'll take this time to offer up my apology to my brothers who had to endure The Three Ninjas being my choice for a very long period of adolescence.

The boys responsible for melting my grade school heart.

Anyways I saw the trailer for End of Watch earlier and was reminded of my adoration for Anna K (as if we were even on that level of name abbreviation).  If you've never seen Up in the Air you should watch it because she was awesome in that and she's great in 50/50.
So, what do you do when you realize you have a desire to "know" someone in the large public eye?  Hope for a Twitter account.
As if it wasn't evidence enough that she's my celebrity match when I saw her Twitter wall paper (we have the same Batman t-shirt: I don't believe in coincidence), I scanned a few tweets down and in late August she tweeted,

"An outbreak of syphilis in the porn community has halted production nationwide? What the hell am I going to watch for the next week?"

Finally I found someone who had the same reaction.

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I Run to Eat Chipotle

Oh God.  If someone were to steal my laptop and happen to look at my history log, I'm certain they would immediately turn it in to the closest lost and found out of grossness.  Due to my infection the other day I have the following terms very popular in my history, "remedies for burning urine" "is it ok to run with a uti" "why am I getting a UTI, I drink water" "burning intercourse".  I did learn a lot of valuable information and am currently sitting pretty, if anyone was wondering.  I won't judge you if you consult me for information if you have uncomfortable urination.  Remember these things: don't take your pain meds without dairy.  Ben & Jerry's Frozen Greek Yogurt  Strawberry Shortcake. Tastes divine.  Drink water with a 1/2 tsp of baking soda to neutralize the pee acid.  Tastes like liquid dryer lint.  Wipe front to back, after number one and number two.  It was really nice being reminded to do this by Bryant (Connor's brother) because it shows he really cares about his brother's girlfriend.

The funny thing is I scoured Google for a reliable source that told me running with a UTI is bad and the closet thing I found is something that said, "Just make sure to stay hydrated".  I only have one class on Thursdays and don't work until later in the evening and so I had no excuse to not go to the gym despite laziness.  Which, ignore anything anyone tells you, is an awesome and legitimate excuse.  I still managed to go for half an hour after 3 hours of just straight bummin' around my apartment/studying epidemiology.  If Genna (roommate) hadn't gone to the gym earlier and gave me some motivation I know I wouldn't have gone.  BUT we did have plans to get Chipotle tonight, and I have to wear a nice dress on Sunday so the 300 calories I burnt was obviously a necessity... and I literally met her at her car  to get food while leaving the gym: The healthy way to go out to eat, just run a little first.

The fact that Chipotle does order/pay online and pick up at the store (SORRY NOT SORRY BIATCH FOR CUTTING YOU IN LINE) is one of the better things in life.  I'm American, what can I say.  Oh, I know, I can say why don't you have delivery?  Sort of joking.  I do think it would be a nice asset, but I don't personally care.  I think it would benefit society if they didn't make eat-out food so freakin' easy to get. Except that's why people eat out?  I'm confused by the complexity of society's food.

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Body Functions and 5lb Boots

GRRR.  I am very frustrated because I went to a not-so-urgent UrgiCare today in between classes and they informed me that I am in fact not  peeing out burning acid and that it is indeed another UTI.  I'm not going into details because I don't think you want to hear about my tract system.  I just want to inform my readers that I am on edge mentally because of this and on edge physically because it's uncomfortable to sit completely on chairs or couches.  Fortunately, the doctor prescribed me with antibiotics and a pain reliever so I'm good to go.  Um, to the bathroom.

The nurse was super friendly which is always a plus.  She even told me I probably weigh 5 lbs less than the scale says because of the boots I was wearing.  The funny thing is I didn't even think about the initial weight she gave me, which then made me wondered if I should be concerned about the initial weight (?).  No, still not concerned.  I rarely use scales, especially not as a weight judgement factor because if I do I always chalk any gain up to the time in the gym I spend lifting.  What? I lift things.
Funny thing:  Mack went to the doctor's a little while ago and they told her she weighed 10 lb's more than she does (that's kind of a lot to mess up right?).  When she got home, my mom weighed her, recorded the correct amount and proceeded to call the nurse and tell her they need to fix their fuckin' scale or girls are going to leave the office with more than their prescription. ie, emotional instability


One of my teachers today confessed a concern she's been having with our Sex and Gender class since the beginning of the semester.  I thought it was going to be something interesting and pertaining to our curriculum.  I was very wrong.  Apparently she has witnessed too many students using their phone in class and it's becoming a distraction (weird that never happens).  The way she presented this information she made it seem like she's the only teacher dealing with this issue which was somewhat amusing.  She was nice about it, and made it seem like it's not our fault society made us so dependent.  She even asked for suggestions on how she could control it.  Perhaps she forgot that she is in control of our grades...?  This is when one boy, I kid you not, raised his hand and explained that he wasn't paying attention today and was on his phone because the subject material was making him uncomfortable and his stomach queasy.  Topic: female genital cutting in some cultures.  Nice, girls have to hear all their lives about male circumcision and a guy can't even get through one lecture about the alternative.
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My Mom and Cosmo in Real Life

Ok so if I don't write my post for today I will eat all the food I packed that was supposed to last me until 8pm tonight before 2pm.  I TRY TO BE RESOURCEFUL AND PACK SNACKS THEN THE WHOLE IDEA BOMBS AND I END UP OVERINDULGING IN ONE HOUR.  I don't live far off campus and I have over a two hour break today, probably a seven minute drive away.  However, I my gas tank is rather low and I don't get paid until Friday so I am minimizing the whole driving thing.  I refuse to dip into my savings account so the $17 dollars chillin' on my debit card has gotta sustain me for a few more days.  I swear I'm financially secure, I just always think I can save more and spend less.  I put a lot (a lot is a subjective term, mind you) in my savings then refer to it as "the untouchable". This is the number one lie I tell myself every week.  That and if I read Cosmopolitan enough I will somehow remember those special skills in times of need.  I'm kidding, kind of.

Reading Comso is something I do now sometimes for kicks and the majority is for entertainment.  When I was younger, even before any time of boy interaction took place, I took it way too seriously.  I thought with this knowledge I could be a certified sex kitten in no time.  I realize now I was a very confused young girl, and that magazine infiltrated my brain with expectations that an a-cup will never be able to fulfill.  I am ok with this reality.  Connor better be too because those silicon boobs freak me out.
I read the online version more because I'm cheap and couldn't afford a subscription and my mom would have my head off if one came to the house.  I'm almost certain my mother is responsible for those black plastic covers at some grocery stores that cover up the dirty magazine covers.  She writes letters to people in power sometimes.  We have had this conversation, more or less, numerous times when I grab the Cosmo and start reading it to her while in line.

"No one wants to see how to get an intense mind-blowing orgasm while buying a carton of eggs."

"Clearly you are not speaking to the right people Mom because less than 40% of women are able to finish consistently with a partner*.  So, yes, maybe people should read this while waiting for their receipt."

"I'm writing a letter.  Put that thing down."

I do have qualms with Cosmo though.  Many of their suggestions that they make seem perfectly normal are unrealistic.  I am not ruining my bed sheets with chocolate syrup nor have I met any girl whose willing to risk a torn hamstring for that position.  Also many of their articles don't vary much issue to issue, they just find other ways to say things.  Freaky fellatio.  O-worthy oral.  Tantalize with tongue.  Tease with those teeth, girl.  I just thought of four in 20 seconds.  That's a third of a year's subscription.  BAM.
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*I read a lot.  And take classes that cover these things from a respectable institution, not like a porn school.  That's weird if you thought that.  

My Friend Jenna and Other Thing(s)

It was so so great seeing my friend Jenna yesterday.  If you don't know her, you should because she is one of the best people to be around.  Even when we're both PMSing we don't go five minutes without laughing about something.  No exaggeration.  I hadn't seen her for weeks which is pretty strange because it didn't feel that long at all, that's how you know they're a good friend, right?  It's funny we get along so well because we're quite different.  She laughs at EVERYTHING.  I could hardly ever call it a fake laugh either, the girl just likes to have fun.  I'm convinced that's why guys love her.  That and her beautifulness, obviously.  And, get this, she doesn't even dress like a skank!  It's unreal.  She has literally gotten more numbers in a weekend than I'm certain I've gotten my whole life.  At one point, I legit was going to take lessons from her, then I realized it simply couldn't work because laughing at something I don't think is funny is one of the most treacherous things you could ever ask me to do.  Not that I don't have a good sense of humor (well that's probably debatable) it's just my humor is dry and sarcastic and dirty and neither of those things really bring out hardy laughter.  I do weird voices a lot which can be funny but that's not something I do unless I'm trying to have everyone around me who doesn't know me very well to hate me and think I need help.  Leah, Jenna's sister, is cursed (?) with my sense of humor too.  It can be a bitch, girl, but once you find a dude who can be a bitch right back it's a lot of fun.

In other news, the new Killers CD, "Battle Born" comes out tomorrow!  PUMPED.  They're one of my favorite bands and there was a point in high school I was contemplating marrying the lead singer Brandon Flowers.  Then he grew this weird mustache and I was like, meh, I'll keep my options open.

xxxx
A

    

Baby Dinosaurs

If I keep this blog going as consistently and long as I hope to, sooner or later my readers are going to be aware of a lot of my habits and those who are close to me.  I want to get an extreme one out of the way right now.  A running joke in my immediate family is how much my sister and I eat.  She brings out the worst in me.  When I'm living on my own I eat very reasonably and I'm pretty good at portioning out my meals.  And I think when she's alone she's decent at it.  Granted, we've both been vegetarians for a while now which naturally allows your body to consume more food without feeling as full.  She is a dedicated dancer which I'm sure helps a lot with keeping her trim, but I think really it's our metabolism.  We owe a lot to our genes, and I acknowledge that.  But when we're together, we eat like the food in front of us is our last meal ever.

The scene at the end of "No Strings Attached", where Natalie Portman's character orders and consumes an ungodly amount of breakfast food could have been written after dining out with my sister and I.  Basically, together we eat like baby dinosaurs.  My mom took us to Eat n' Park this morning and our table had 3 pancakes, 4 pieces of toast, a waffle, hash browns, and two plates of scrambled eggs.  Oh yeah, and my mom had a fruit cup and two biscuits (we're not adopted, maybe food moderating comes with age).

  Following breakfast, my sister and I proceeded to talk about the leftover amount of "dirt" from last night's family dinner.  If you've never had "dirt", you need to.  It's a beautiful mess of oreo, chocolate pudding and whip cream.  My mom let us eat the leftovers right out of the pan, which was awesome because that's what Mack gets scolded for most at our house.  Eating ice cream straight out of the carton.  #2 action is eating ice cream out of the carton or any food while at the computer.
"You got a C on that exam?  At least I hope you tried your hardest hunny."
"Please don't have random sex, Mackenzie." This was serious advice given today after I, the child who my parents have seriously given up on but still love and pray for, made a very dirty play on words.
"I love your dress sweetie!  Have a nice day at school!"  The dress doesn't make it 20 minutes through the school day before getting a dress code violation.  We're not sluts, we just have really long legs and no upper body.
"MACKENZIE PUT THAT ICE CREAM IN A FREAKING BOWL.  AND YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN THE COMPUTER."

This is for anyone who thinks I exaggerate.  Please note the exercise ball in the background to note our attempts at a healthy lifestyle.
xxxx
A

Honesty; Not Always Preffered

Yesterday I sorta ragged on my dad a little for being a weather nazi and being very harsh on his girls for driving cars.  I also thanked my mom for taking the hit (not literally, God no) and throwin' out the little white lie about when I'd be home to avoid the detrimental task of driving in rain.  Mother, however, is not off the hook when it comes to me lying.  In fact, I have had an ongoing lie that spanned for a year and a half.  The only reason I'm disclosing the information so publicly now is because I confessed to lying in mid-June with hopes of pleasing my mother and it failed miserably.

Overlooking the fact that writers aren't supposed to generalize their audience, I am most certainly generalizing this:  We have ALL stayed out and told our parents we were staying somewhere that possesses far less risk factor than the place we are actually going to be.  Anyways, my dad knew from early on that when I said I was going to stay over at Jenna's that meant Connor's.  Granted, I did stay at Jenna's house quite often a few years ago.  She's my main g, they have a finished basement, central air, cable and a loaded pantry.  We don't have any of those features...  And if I get tired of Jenna, there's always her sister Leah. (Joke Leah you know I love you).  SO yes I would still stay there time to time more recently, but not every freakin' night in the summer come on Mom really.  It was around this time that Connor had gotten his own place so I figured maybe I should just tell my mom I'll be there.  Just so, you know, she 100% knows where I am for safety reasons and so the hint of guilt I possessed over the past months about this would peace my system.  Besides, I assumed (bad bad bad) my mom knew where I actually was.

*Driving in the car on the way home from Wegman's Grocery Store*

Me- "So Mom, you know since Connor has his place now I'll probably stay over there a lot more.  Do you want me to just tell you when I'm there instead of saying I'm at Jenna's?"
Mom- *dead serious* " Wait?  You haven't been staying at Jenna's these past 3 nights? Or on weekends?"
Me- *blank stare; silence*
Mom- "You've been lying to me this whole time?"
Me- "I thought you knew?!  Why would I ever stay at Jenna's parents house every night.  That is creepy and not normal!"
Mom (stern stern stern)- "I thought you tell me everything!  They have a/c you said!  You can't stay over at Connor's!  I can't condone that Alice you know that!  I will not. You will not."
Me- *silence* "...I'm staying at Jenna's tonight."

Since then it has been smoothed over and all is well between my mother and I.  She is a lovely woman.  She then began referring to Connor as "Jenna #2" via late night text messages about my location, and has now progressed to using "C".  We're on our way.

xxxx
A

Fun Without Your Clothes Off

I have lied to my parents.  The secret is out.  They know.  I know. My whole family knows. They are amazing parents and have done few things that I would consider doing differently with my own kids someday.  The lying I have done was still necessary and has now made me realize that no matter how great of a parent I am someday, my kids are going to lie to me and it'll piss me off anyways.
Example 
I don't know what my dad's deal is.  He has never been concerned about alcohol consumption, drug usage or premarital sex (it's actually kind of strange his lack of concern over any of these) the way he is when a woman, particularly either of his daughters, drive a vehicle.*  He has been known to give me a terribly hard time even driving to my friends Jenna and Leah's house.  They live twenty minutes away.  If you walk...

I love him dearly, but sometimes I do have to get to places when it's dark out.  I may have to drive when it starts to rain.  And just because there is snow on the ground does not mean I'm going to be the one who hits a patch of ice that is unavoidable.  For instance, I was just getting ready to head back to Erie today for the weekend when I noticed it started to rain.  No, like straight downpour.  Awesome.  The first twenty minutes of my drive all I can think about is how furious my dad is going to be if he calls me because he knows I'm on the road and he follows local weather better than I follow the clearance page on the Urban Outfitters site.  Maybe he would be less concerned if he had me drive something other than this little 90's Corolla that feels more like a go-kart than a vehicle with wipers that make seeing more difficult at times.  I'm sorry to the Jeep from Illinois that was stuck behind me in the construction zone but I'd rather go 55 than graze the cement barrier next to us.  If my dad were to call, which he usually does at very inopportune times, I had scripted, "Yeah Dad. No I know it's supposed to rain for a while.  I've been monitoring the weather radar and I'm leaving at 6 when the rain stops, that way I'll even miss rush hour."

I arrive home safely, didn't have a minute of my drive sans rain.
My father says, clearly disgruntled, "You drove through all that rain, didn't you.  Your mother told me you were coming home at seven."
I owe you one, Mom.  

*He's not an anti-feminist who doesn't think women should drive.  Just not his daughters.

SPOTTED: Human Perfection

#wisdomteethprobz

Just kidding, you know I love you Mack.  I learned just like everyone else in my third grade self esteem clinic that no one and nothing is perfect.  And I also knew right away they're obviously lying because s'mores are, in fact, a real thing.  People wise, perfection is a lot less rare.  Many people possess a couple (or many if you just plain suck) poor qualities that deem them less than perfect.  I'll update this post with personal examples if I ever recognize any of my own.
I've gotten into some strange talk/reality shows over 21 years of life.  They wouldn't be considered strange if the age demographic of the show was anywhere near my own.  I literally was watching Elimidate at like 9 and was faking sick to stay home to watch Maury at 12.  Something about those rants of "YOU SLEPT WITH MY MOTHER WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOUR BROTHER'S TRIPLETS" captivated me to that screen.
I'm now into Live! With Kelly (and now Michael).  And I'm confused as to what their demographic would even be.  Chic, 35 year old women, prego with their second kid, perhaps? 21 year olds looking to fill a hopeless void from 9-10am before class?  Either way, Kelly Ripa is human perfection at it's finest.  Maybe, that might be opinion based, but either way she's insanely great.  Might be my biggest adult girl crush since Lorelai Gilmore.  Um, platonic.  Not only did Ripa win the genetic lottery mega bucks, which yes, a decent portion of any population has some winners, but she knows how to talk.  FREAKING RARE.  I would watch episodes and diligently look for something wrong with her. I failed.  She is just extremely likeable and friendly.  She's hilarious, clearly very smart, and only awkward when faking awkward to be funny. As any girl's response would be, what a bitch.  I'm only joking; I want to be her friend and sip cappuccino and make s'mores together.  And then I'll decide what she's like the proper way.

Wait, what? 

She took Mark Consuelos off the market.
Bitch.

I'm not naive, I'm sure she's not perfect.  If anything she probably has really bad breath in the morning.
xxxx

Ailments Unworthy of Song

I pride myself on my immune system.  I eat healthy to stay healthy and workout (on scattered routine).  My mother always tells me how I was the healthiest baby out of the four of us (suck it, sibs) and rarely got sick growing up.  Of course, there are some ailments and diseases that don't care whether you live a healthy lifestyle or not, cancer being one.  This past weekend I was reading about the Stand Up 2 Cancer benefit concert that took place Friday night.  Taylor Swift (shocker) was one of the performers and she sang a song dedicated to the family of Ronan.  Ronan was 3 when he passed away from cancer, and his mom created a website in his name which Swift followed and ultimately wrote a song about him.  I find it amazing that such an awful and somber story created such a beautiful song.

After watching the clip of her performance, I thought about this past year and how I probably confronted more health issues than ever before.  Luckily, thanks to current day antibiotics my infections were pussies in comparison to any serious disease, and super lame.  The week before Spring Break 2012 I got the bacterial version of pink eye.  In other words, a gross swollen leaky crusty left eye.  My epidemiological background (close to none) tells me I may have gotten that from a public gym.
In June, Connor (boyfriend) and I went to Presque Isle and went on a walk in the woods because we can't be conventional and walk on the beach, and I SUSPECT it was there I was bitten by a Brown Recluse Spider.  Based on further research from the Urgicare Center and Google Images, it's to be said the bite on my upper thigh got infected and a nasty ass crater formed and ultimately left a scar that my dad makes me hike up my dress to show uncles at family weddings for.  My mother is forever ashamed of this practice.

Finally, my last week of summer was tarnished by a urinary tract infection (UTI).  Pissin' fire.  Public health perspective: These can be contracted through multiple means.  Dad's perspective: "That's from having a lot of sex, right?"  To Tom (brother):  Mom told me you were in the room at time of those said words, my sincerest apologies.

Feel free to write a song off this nasty shit, but I'm thankful that the issues aren't severe enough to be song-worthy.

*knock on wood* 
xxxx
A

Let's Pretend We're at Two.

The first of anything is bound to be awkward and uncomfortable for both parties.  I'm trying to ignore the fact this is post number one, even though it's technically my third blog.  Surprised you didn't know and disappointed you didn't read them?  Don't be.  I kept it very well hidden from friends or family, the very people who were probably the only ones interested in what I had to say...and I wondered why those blogs had a max of 9 followers.  It's hard to promote something you're trying to keep private from anyone who cares.
I find I like writing about how I feel about things and what I experience more so than saying it out loud, contrary to the belief of my siblings.  And, unfortunately, I have an awful memory of events.  I remember people and names and faces, so I'm using this to serve as my memory of some sort.  I want to write about what and who I love, what I want and things I experience or hope to do or become.  It's exciting and I like it like that (bring it on Ryan Follese); I don't know much about what I want or what's going to happen.  We shall see.
Hold up though.
Things I Do Know for Certain: Black coffee is better with cream and sugar.  I made some damn good friends at both high schools I attended, my middle school and elementary school. Public schools prevail.  Love songs I've listened to forgot to mention that falling in love is, at times, terrifying.  Fortunately, I don't live in fear.
xxxx