My Mom and Cosmo in Real Life

Ok so if I don't write my post for today I will eat all the food I packed that was supposed to last me until 8pm tonight before 2pm.  I TRY TO BE RESOURCEFUL AND PACK SNACKS THEN THE WHOLE IDEA BOMBS AND I END UP OVERINDULGING IN ONE HOUR.  I don't live far off campus and I have over a two hour break today, probably a seven minute drive away.  However, I my gas tank is rather low and I don't get paid until Friday so I am minimizing the whole driving thing.  I refuse to dip into my savings account so the $17 dollars chillin' on my debit card has gotta sustain me for a few more days.  I swear I'm financially secure, I just always think I can save more and spend less.  I put a lot (a lot is a subjective term, mind you) in my savings then refer to it as "the untouchable". This is the number one lie I tell myself every week.  That and if I read Cosmopolitan enough I will somehow remember those special skills in times of need.  I'm kidding, kind of.

Reading Comso is something I do now sometimes for kicks and the majority is for entertainment.  When I was younger, even before any time of boy interaction took place, I took it way too seriously.  I thought with this knowledge I could be a certified sex kitten in no time.  I realize now I was a very confused young girl, and that magazine infiltrated my brain with expectations that an a-cup will never be able to fulfill.  I am ok with this reality.  Connor better be too because those silicon boobs freak me out.
I read the online version more because I'm cheap and couldn't afford a subscription and my mom would have my head off if one came to the house.  I'm almost certain my mother is responsible for those black plastic covers at some grocery stores that cover up the dirty magazine covers.  She writes letters to people in power sometimes.  We have had this conversation, more or less, numerous times when I grab the Cosmo and start reading it to her while in line.

"No one wants to see how to get an intense mind-blowing orgasm while buying a carton of eggs."

"Clearly you are not speaking to the right people Mom because less than 40% of women are able to finish consistently with a partner*.  So, yes, maybe people should read this while waiting for their receipt."

"I'm writing a letter.  Put that thing down."

I do have qualms with Cosmo though.  Many of their suggestions that they make seem perfectly normal are unrealistic.  I am not ruining my bed sheets with chocolate syrup nor have I met any girl whose willing to risk a torn hamstring for that position.  Also many of their articles don't vary much issue to issue, they just find other ways to say things.  Freaky fellatio.  O-worthy oral.  Tantalize with tongue.  Tease with those teeth, girl.  I just thought of four in 20 seconds.  That's a third of a year's subscription.  BAM.
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*I read a lot.  And take classes that cover these things from a respectable institution, not like a porn school.  That's weird if you thought that.